To Those That Struggle Too

I reread the first and caught inspiration again. This one is a little more hard hitting than the first, though they start off the same. It's meant to strike a nerve. It's what I wish someone had said to me when I was going through a crucible.

To those that struggle with issues they have been afraid to come out of or acknowledge, now is the best time to go ahead and come out.

Saving what you can do today for tomorrow is just justification for your fear.

Your apprehension is your perpetual downfall.

Your hidden issues do nothing but eat at your heart like tape worms. They suck out all of the things that make your life healthy and good.

To all of those like me who have struggled with this faulty human flesh, face that thing that terrifies you and rise to your potential. You hinder yourself by keeping secrets. It’s just a matter of time before they come out despite your efforts or kill you.

You will unwillingly and subconsciously kill your relationships, your goals, break your own spirit and eventually self-destruct because you refuse to confront that skeleton in your closet that you’ve gotten so used to that you’ve learned to ignore it.

Your secret skeletons will kill you piece by piece until you are just another empty, emaciated skeleton waiting to be shoved into your loved ones’ closets for shame.

If they are the good kind of family they will never give up on you but they will suppress you nonetheless just as you suppressed your issues not because they are ashamed of you, but because they are ashamed that they couldn’t help you.

If they are foolish, they will not only suppress you into the dark corners of their minds but they will forget you completely for shame because they misinterpreted your struggle and your pain for being too lazy to pick yourself up and stop defacing the family name.

Come out and face your fears or risk slipping into dankness of cobwebbed gray matter with only calcified consciousness for conversation partners. Rage against the twilight your secrets are shrouded in.

Should you choose not to, a caveat is there to greet you at the door to the closet you’re about to be stuffed in. Her only job is to welcome you with a smile and an echoing,

“Congratulations, you failed before starting.” “Congratulations, you’re wasting everybody’s God given time because you’re taking up our head space and worrying us to death since we care so much for your wellbeing.” “Congratulations, welcome to the closet, smell that stagnated air borne by secrets.” “Take a deep breath, congratulations; you’re now breathing to death.”

To those that struggle, do not lose hope. I’ve been there.  The fact that you struggle means that you’re not someone else’s skeleton yet. So, clean the skeletons out of your own closet now, because when you do, like I did, you’ll discover that your fear of coming into light is a lot less daunting that your fear of staying in darkness.

You Know You're a Speechie When...

You know you're a speechie when...

1. You realize that you are apart of the unofficial fraternity of the coolest geeks on the planet.
2. You discover that the skills you've acquired have a potential shelf life of a thousand lifetimes.
3. You unconsciously begin to speak with a conviction that few have and find yourself no longer taking pleasure in trivial conversation.
4. You realize that the new found eloquence of your mind and your mouth will buy you more opportunity than all the money you can earn in the thousand life times of your skill set's shelf life combined.
5. You find your mind open and your heart receptive to all people, most concepts, more understanding, a little criticism, fewer judgments, and no tolerance policies for living in mediocrity.

This is how you know that you are a philosopher of the common era.

A lover of knowledge with an incessant thirst for wisdom: The discernment to know how and when to apply that knowledge to actions resulting in a life of purpose.

These are the tell tale signs of the movers and shakers

The civilly disobedient rule breakers

The individuals you put on your "people to watch" lists

The few that witness the awesome and instead of saying "I wish", make note of their awe stricken state, and let their hearts make manifest future success with a resounding, "I'll do that too one day."

An Unexpected Lesson, A Satisfying Day

With each day I attempt to glean a bit of wisdom or knowledge from something that happened in order to make it a day that I deem worthwhile. I want to take something away from all of my experiences and on days when I do not feel I've succeeded I feel as though I've wasted 24 hours of my precious, God given time. I almost consider days like this sinful because I only have a little time and I cannot get it back when wasted. 
Today was one of those wasted days until around 7 pm. I got a call from a friend asking a small favor. After courtesies I asked how she was doing and the conversation turned to talk of boredom and opportunity. She, being from the city, was incredibly bored with our lackluster surroundings. I was the opportunist. The city in which we currently live is small and has the cultural diversity of a sinkhole, but where there is lack of eventfulness and stimulation, opportunity arises. In cities like Chicago, there is incredible opportunity for entertainment and exchange/interaction of ideas. There is always mental stimulation. When that is taken away, there is a door opened that breathes whispers of change and chance for creation. Where there is lack, there is an occasion worth taking advantage of to fill a void with one's own ideas without competition or comparison. Just as in terrestrial drought, starvation of the mind is debilitating and can have long lasting side effects. Filling such a void through creative means not only makes for a much needed metaphysical precipitation, but it demands an instigation of novel and unique culture if the creative solution can remain in an atmosphere of maintenance. In such a case, the drought becomes insignificant in the wake of earnest minds bringing their own precipitation to water the sprouting idea.
 Having grown up in cultural desolation, I realized this truth beforehand, but what I gleaned from her contribution was that my depravity had become a pathogen of thought. It consumed the minds of the vast majority of people I interacted with and it had been in my system long enough to blind me. I attempt to be open and non-judgmental but my environment forbade me from recuperating from my disease. I felt convicted, realizing that I had committed a crime which most in my environment share guilt for. I so wish that my judgment had not been quick. She reminded me to be careful. She reminded me of something that I've said myself. Most people do the best they can with what they've been given: the actions they take, just manifestations of their personality and learned responses to external stimuli. Whether those responses are right or wrong is of little importance, the significance lies in the fact that most people feel that they have to behave in that certain way, they consciously or unconsciously expect a particular outcome because of their action, and they either believe they are correct in their justification without a shadow of doubt, or they see no other options. 
This reality hit me hard enough to take me aback and make my consciousness aware of my hypocrisy. I, who tell others not to judge, passed judgment too quickly and laughed at those who more than likely are doing the best they know how with the hand they've been dealt. Instead of ridicule, my reaction should have been to ask why. 
Why did they do what they did and what has happened in their lives to teach them that their rationale was sound? Ignorance is never a laughable subject in any context. React with intelligence and refrain from jest. Educate instead with the light of perspective and knowledge passed their ignorance taking into consideration that someone loved you enough to educate you in the same way. Let not knowledge be confused with intellect and become a denominator of people into groups of exclusivity. Erase your boundaries and realize that everyone has something that THEY can teach YOU.

I Think It's Funny

Life sometimes hands you an amalgamation of situations and you honestly have to sit back and reevaluate them with that 20/20 hindsight thing, that everyone desperately wishes were clairvoyance, and laugh. 

So, here's the beginning of a list of things (mostly events) that in retrospect make me laugh:

The final weeks of my junior year, I finally figured out that the chant (Call) P-I-R (Response) A-T-E together spells P-I-R-A-T-E lol. Took me 3 years to figure that out for some reason. I always thought that the PIR part of the chant stood for performance-in-the-round, a term that any self respecting speechie in the state of Illinois would recognize at the drop of a hat. (For those non speechies who are reading this, Performance-in-the-round is an IHSA group event performed at state series competition alongside the 14 Individual Events categories.)

Speaking of 14, the day before my 14th birthday my mother almost felt the compulsion to kill me :) I, being the occasionally impulsive person that I am, decided that it would be ok to disappear for about an hour without telling anyone that I was leaving the house. Of course this decision did not sit well with my parents. My mother was on the verge of calling the police when she called my dad at work. My  dad, being the ridiculously awesome person he is, advised my mom to check at my neighbor's house before calling the police. Of course that's where I was. I enjoy the conversations I have with my neighbors, what can I say?! Anyway, as I was walking out of my neighbor's front door exchanging final guffaws and chuckles with my friends , my mother was barreling across the street in a state of panic that can only be described as a justified, maternal worry induced panic attack from hell seeing as she had been clueless to my location for the passed hour or so. Being a good mother, she quickly assumed the ridiculous worst case scenario, that I was of course dead or kidnapped, to be the ONLY alternatives to my not being at my neighbor's house. Thus, the fact that she was about to go into a stress induced coma was completely reasonable. When our eyes met, I saw  her face soften. Soon after that, whatever that soft thing behind her eyes was snapped was snapped in half by a warmongering, bloodthirsty, she-hulk commando and  the death grimace of a mother feeling her 3 days of labor might all be in vain soon reared it's ugly head. I knew that my life was in danger. She lunged at me with the force of a 1000 remembered labor contractions propelling her hands straight at my head. I took of with the force of a thousand screaming little girls propelling me towards my room, where I could lock the door. On the way to my room I cut my legs in the thorn bush I ran through, but I made it in one piece. After my dad got home my parents isolated themselves in their room for the rest of the night. They were so mad they barely spoke to me. They were angry mostly because I had scared them so badly. I can't blame them for withholding my presents from me on my birthday or not holding back as much as they usually did for my birthday wake up spanking hahaha. I definitely learned my lesson.

Squirrel Hockey is probably one of the most intense sports unknown to most of mankind haha. A squirrel managed to break into our house one day through our chimney. He got the shock of his life  when my parents, my aunt and I resorted to trying to incrementally shoo the squirrel out the door by passing it from one person with a broom and or billiards cue stick to another like a hockey puck. We didn't succeed. The squirrel displayed his final act of defiance after over an hour of chasing by climbing up into the coils of our refrigerator and refusing to move. Feeling defeated, my mom, my aunt and I decided to give up. Then my dad picked up the refrigerator and put it outside for the night for the squirrel to take his time in climbing out triumphant.

These are just a few of the many humorous tales in the life and times of Josh Magee. More to come soon. 

America the Beautiful part 1/50

Traveling is like a good song on a bad day. 


I love driving through all of the states, watching how the land changes,


Feeling effervescent about making the transition of attitude between each one.

I haven't been to many out of the fifty, but each one has it's own separate personality yet and still they all have a subtle continuity that weaves them all together into the tapestry that is this country.


 I plan to visit every single one of them eventually. It may take me quite awhile to finish this series seeing as I plan on writing about all 50 states but eventually. It'll happen.


Circumstance has lead me to Wisconsin and I must comment on my perception of her persona. 


Wisconsin is so..... sweet.
Sweet,


Sweet like,


 The tiniest drop of honey on your tongue,


Like a cup of milk in the morning,


Like having a glass of water and feeling it travel all the way down and settle in your stomach, 


When your body is that fresh linen out of the dryer warm and the water is sooooooooo cool;


 Not ice cold, but just cool enough that your breath condenses and floats out of the glass while you drink.


There must grow fields of red poppies on the far side of some hill I couldn't see over 


Or they must be scattered throughout all the gardens there, 


Hidden among the brightest flowers so as no one will notice their hypnotic aura.


Wisconsin greets you kindly with a graceful smile and an extended hand. 


Her skin is soft and cool to the touch.


She glows with a translucence that allows one to observe her apparent vitality and undying loyalty to those who choose to befriend her.


I plan on visiting her often in the future.

Waking from a Lucidity Once Welcomed

I haven't posted in quite awhile so I figured now would be the time. I don't know why I haven't blogged in so long. I definitely have a lot to share. This semester has started of with quite a bit of a bang and it's only the end of the second week of school haha. I originally wasn't going to be able to go to school this semester. Unforeseen circumstances depleted my college money that would've paid for my summer classes, and without having my summer classes paid off, I wasn't eligible for Fall registration. I was beginning to lose hope that things would work out and I would have to find a job to work through fall semester at least. At the last minute, God made a way through some very gracious family members. I explained my situation and before I could finish telling them my aunt stopped me and asked me if it was for my school tuition. That was all my uncle and aunt needed to know and they wrote me a check for the full amount! My gratitude to them is immense and I'm planning a very nice surprise for them to say thank you. I really can't say it enough for what they did. To just say "here you go" without question is just such an amazing testament of their character and it was an incredible blessing for me. 


I know that I'm supposed to be in school this semester. The things that I'm learning are all too important to my future plans and maturity. I plan on studying abroad next semester and 3 of my classes just happen to be history classes that focus on culture. They are absolutely invaluable. The things that I'm going to be learning about will help to broaden my perspective immensely. Already, I'm starting to think about why people do the things they do differently and I'm realizing just how different the culture I grew up in is from the majority of all the other cultures in the world. I'm starting to understand the rationalization behind practices and beliefs that I disagree with. I still disagree with them, but I'm beginning to understand why now. These classes have opened up a new arena of critical thought for me that will be a great aid in my adventures adjusting to culture overseas.


 Through my studies, my opinions are slowly becoming my own. I realize that I've been indoctrinated with certain beliefs since before preschool. I realize that my opinions and biases have been influenced, much more than I realized, by outside forces that I didn't know had such a profound impact on my thought process. I realize now that a much greater proportion of my personal biases were based in blind faith, comfort, or ignorance. Ignorance being the most important out of the series. My college education has definitively been a journey that validates Einstein's quip, "Education is the progressive realization of our ignorance." More and more I am being hit with the harsh reality of just how  much knowledge I lack, how little exposure to world culture I've had, how immature I really am. It's such a big pill to swallow. I hope and pray to God that I never forget the lessons I'm learning. I have so much to learn and such little time in which to do it. A lifetime just isn't enough. Though willing, I am still lost. Though eager, I am still so unsure of myself. 


How does one go about achieving self-actualization, becoming the best version of oneself that there can be? How do I  find a way to seek out all that which would tarnish my soul and then go about attempting to root out those weaknesses? I feel so unprepared to go out into the world and appreciate what it has to offer me. This is by no fault of my teachers and influences, but mine. My parasitic friendship with American apathy is coming to a close, but so much later than I feel it should be. I feel so slight and insignificant sometimes, with greater frequency as of late. I wonder if my heightened state of awareness will warrant any good... I feel like I'm taking one more class on top of the 19 credit hours I'm already committed to. I wake up every morning and after saying a quick "Good Morning" to  God, I feel as if his reply is "Good morning Joshua, welcome to Reality Check 101. Brace yourself quickly, we have a lot to cover today."

To Those that Struggle

To those that struggle with issues they have been afraid to come out of or acknowledge, now is the best time to go ahead and come out. 
Saving what you can do today for tomorrow is just justification for your fear. 
Your apprehension is your perpetual downfall. 
Your hidden issues do nothing but eat at your heart like tape worms. They suck out all of the things that make your life healthy and good. 
This is short but I feel like it needs to be said. To all of those like me who have struggled with this faulty human flesh, face that thing that terrifies you and rise to your potential. You hinder yourself by keeping secrets. It's just a matter of time before they come out despite your efforts or kill you. 
I don't mean just physically,
 you could kill your relationships or your goals. You could break your own spirit because you refuse to confront the skeleton in your closet that you've gotten so used to that you've learned to ignore it. 


A good example of someone who's going through the process of cleaning their closet is Demi Lovato. Her secrets were kept, her secrets came out, she was forced to deal with the fall out, the onslaught of concern and scorn for her actions, and she finally faced what she feared. She was released and now she's telling her story and trying to help others out of the same situations.
 The media is full of reminders of just how corrupted humanity is, and even then the world is a lot darker and colder than we realize. If we let it, it will fill us full of cynicism for life. I pray that Demi is in a better place and that her journey to overcome cutting, eating disorders and bipolar disorder is successful. Because of her status it will be a public journey, but that makes her success all the more important because her success is a testimony and a beacon of hope to many. 
I really do hope that even if she does fall or slip during her journey that it's just a setback and not a fatal downfall. I pray she succeeds with all my heart. I know that there are many people with success stories out there, but her's is in progress and a good example.
 If her newest album packs as much punch and evokes as much pathos as her song skyscraper, I know that it will be a wonderful encouragement to those that struggle. Listen to what she has to say and take it to heart.


To those that struggle, don't lose hope. Clean the skeletons out of your closet now, because sooner or later you'll discover that your fear of coming into light is a lot less daunting than your fear of staying in darkness.

Good advice: Girls & Guys

Girl likes Guy, Guy likes Girl.

Girl and Guy meet up in the halls of education
Awkwardness ensues as they both think of something to say
For Girl it's easy.
Being a talkative, social creature Girl has dominated the art of idle conversation
Boy, on the other hand, stares and adds the occasional "mhmm" to make sure it looks like he understands
The encounter ends as it began, in awkwardness, as they part.
After hours of learning, comes the wait...

Quite quiet and queer for both parties
Girl starves for attention from the object of her affection
She falters between busying herself with things to take her mind off of Guy and staring at her phone hoping it rings and it's Guy.
"Buzz!"
"Ahhhhhh!!!!!!"
(Girl screams, fumbles with phone)
"?!?!?!?!?Hello!?!?!?!?"

"This is the ASPCA calling. We'd like to discu...."
(Click! SSSLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!)
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Girl screams louder as she turns her phone into a missile, hurling it into a pillow to express her frustration while simultaneously ensuring the safety of her phone and hope that Guy might still be able to call)
Guy all the while, is sitting at home wondering
"Should I text her? If she really does like me, she'll come to me...."
(Guy smirks confidently and leans back in his chair)
Early morning hours come and facebook call to Guy whose consumed in insomnia.
First news feed bulletin Guy's eyes happen upon: "Girl and 26 other friends joined the group 'You're the guy, you text me first!!!!!!!!!"
Guy notices comment left by Girl that should not be read aloud...
"Dangit!"
Guy flops on bed in frustration
(School bells)
Girl is angry after receiving no call or text
she seethes and glares while her heart screams, "MY GOD, WILL YOU PLEASE FLIRT WITH ME!!!"

A single rose and teddy bear, clad in apparel of Girl's favorite color appear from behind Guy's back
seething discontinues and a string of toothy pearls appears in reply.
Moral of the story: Guy's text first.

Transition of Means

As time goes on I've begun to find that my most effective means of expression is no longer what it used to be.

Once I thought that my pencil pushing pretty pictures from my sketchbook

Was my catalyst

To the emancipation of my emotional constipation

But

My spirit is no longer satisfied with my innate ability to act as

Human copy machine or conduit for creative thought.

I have discovered that homeostasis is an illusion

Like the horizon it’s an imaginary line that recedes as you approach it

My internal equilibrium remains tilted

And I increasingly become more dysfunctional with each passing day

Unless my pencils start hitting paper

And start leaving incandescent footprints in the sand dunes of my mind

Ensuring that I can see my way through the whirlwinds of my internal conflict

As long as I can see my footprints

I can think my way out

My words become successive hits of truth serum

 Injected directly into the artery connecting my body to my third eye

My new found use for my pencils to create art and expression has calmed my tumultuous disposition

 Transmogrifying my storm cloud thoughts into flows of life blood spilled from cognitive battles long fought

Thoughts now willing to be shared and made collective experience

Willing to teach

To spark

Insight

Inspire

But first and foremost

To unleash the beast of my pent up desire

No longer sustained or satisfied with pencil pushing pretty pictures

 I turn to poetry and the pleasures of exciting word amalgam.

cool nights and soft cushions

The umber glow of incandescent glass and a lamp shade are so perfectly paired together that I cannot help but smile to myself in the soft warm light.

Here,

alone in my thoughts

wrapped ever so comfortably in a blanket.

I am so secluded and yet there is such an intimacy here. My place is set and my seat on my favorite couch is warm from my lengthy stay.

My personal intimacy with all that is nocturnal, all that is quiet, all that is soft and cool and warm. The night whispers in my ears, "You are sooooo loved" and embraces me.

Holds me tighter with each passing moment.

It's so quiet here

Even my breathing disturbs the peace.

The windows are fully open and yet there is no breeze,

no slight quivering of the blinds, not even a rustle is sensed in the stillness.

In the quiet the night is speaking

of safety and sleeping loved ones you know are well and dreaming

The Earth is so quiet you can feel the grassy soil and mossy moistness glistening with newly rested dew and potential energy awaiting a familiar cue from first light.

and the shadows,

oh the shadows, how they dance

as angels do in secret places.

They are soft and nimble and full of vibrant energy

In the contrasting copper casts of a foggy corner street light they meander in the same grass the soles of my feet had caressed but days ago.

Oh how sweet their hues of blues and sweet serene sensations of life unconscious and perfectly still.

I want to dance with them

My loving, Luna sings to me about how every night used to feel just like this one and the shrowded side of nature convened in silence just to enjoy the peace

She feeds me bliss and as my lips curl around it's goodness it all melts

as coolly darkened as the shadows outside my window  still soundlessly dancing.

I hear the sounds of passerby vehicles on wet roads and wonder why they stay suspended in wakefulness like me

the night whispers lullabies in languages unbeknownst to me and more powerful and potent than any good mix from a medicine man.

and my soft bed calls to me also as my eyes begin their decent

my sheets and blankets waiting for me in the same hues of blacks and blues as the shadows i see

my night

my intimacy

and my thoughts

once coursing... now lull

and ebb...and flow

and...

and...and...

my prayers go out and

the night goes away

then birds and

wakefulness soon and

my intimacy...

good morning... goodnight

A Lonely Poem


This one is from way back. I definitely am in a better place now.

A thought often crosses my mind of melancholy disposition,
Genesis of morose pleasures when empathy seems lacking
My love for others has become a weakness and strength alike
And I wonder…

“If I vanished, would most even notice I was gone?”
Would they remember to tell me “Happy Birthday!”
Would they call me just to catch up?

If I stopped instigating the conversations, would they think enough of me to become an instigator themselves and ask if I were ok?

I know life is busy, and I know good friends are few,
But do you think of me as much as I think of you?

You are constantly in my prayers.

Your face illuminates my mind
No matter how busy I get or how much my life may suck I still think of you.

If only 2 or 3 echoed my sentiments, I’m not sure that those would be enough for my satisfaction
Maybe it’s because far more than 2 or 3 cross my mind daily,
Maybe I care too much for too many,
Maybe the point is to learn how to pour into people out without expectation of anyone to pour back.

Still, my question rings clear, “How many would think of me if I quietly disappeared?”

Why do I crave such attention?

To me, it seems a simple request to want to know that one is loved by more than just those who share their blood. They’re forced to put up with you. They might as well love you.

I want to know that my name elicits fond memories in the hearts of the lives I’ve been privileged enough to come into contact with, and that those memories move them to seek me out to make more of them.

I have meditated on actually vanishing, but for fear that my presence would not be missed, my thoughts are arrested and cannot manifest action.

I relinquish the notion to disappear and fall back into self-serving habit. I go through my contact list and search for someone who wants to talk to me as much as I them.

I seek to remind them that I am here.
That I exist
And that I care
Then wait in anticipation and hope of reciprocation
In vain

No one answers my knocks
My calls fall on deaf ears
I busy myself to forget

If God has answered my call for a friend, I believe I may have ceased to hear his voice. Or maybe my relationship to him has correlations to that of mine and my deaf friends.






Maybe, I never really knew his voice in the first place…

Grandma’s Penny for My Thoughts

The wise words of grandmothers should be sought often.

Something I learned quickly.

I told her that I wanted God to bless the work of my hands so that I could show many people what they could not see.

His miracles

And my grandmother glanced at me observantly and inquired, “Do you know what you’re asking for?”

She called upon experience

And he sat on her left

She did the same with perspective

And she sat on her right

She called upon the Holy Spirit, which resided inside and together they began to speak.

They told stories of great persons passed and the sacrifices they made

The great prices THEY paid

For the anointing of the gift for which they asked

My grandmother said, “To ask for greatness, means to ask for much blessing and great suffering.”

Experience, perspective, and the Holy Spirit nodded in agreement.

All I Want to Do

All of the postings from today are fairly old things that I' wrote several years ago.

All I want to do

All I want to do is sleep

So I can wake up again

A sucker punch from the sandman between the eyes

A cordial handshake from Morpheus

Either would do the trick

REM makes iniquity’s enormity fade

At least in my head

All I want to do is sleep

So I can wake up again

I want to rise like the eastern sun saying

“This is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it”

My blackboard, littered with debris, is pure and lacking fault when the sun rises because

“His mercies are new every morning.

All I want to do is sleep

So I can wake up again

Then my soul wakes and says

“Though my spirit be downtrodden and despaired, the day is not yet over.

What’s passed is written, but the future is still mine to shape.

The transgressions of a day can still be forgiven and forgotten before the setting of the sun.”

Still,

All I want to do is sleep

So I can wake up again

Insight sprints from my heart to my head and back.

God, may my confession become a prayer

And my pleas of forgiveness be heard

My insight made complete by promise

My soul cries for instantaneous repentance

“Tomorrow is promised to no man”

My paths made straight

And my attention lingers on one new thought

All I want to do is stay awake

Because sleep seems a waste of my God-given time…

Falling More in Like

(Inspired by: Big Poppa E)

I really don't think you realize just how hard I've fallen for you since the first day I met you.

Falling in like just doesn't cut it anymore because I fall in like with you every time we speak for a completely different reason than the last.

I have tried to find another to take your place but for some reason beyond my comprehension, you stay while others come and go.

 I don't think it's because you're the one I feel got away, because you've never been mine. It's not because as of this second you are, for me, the unattainable relationship that so many chase.

No, it’s not that either. My attraction to you is beyond anything generic… the closest words I can use to describe it: emotionally gravitational.

 I commend your beauty of mind, body, and soul, for they have captured my attention and kept it for much longer than I have expected.

I don’t want to just bargain to the nth degree so I can give you your favorite candy on a daily basis. I don’t want to just eat graham crackers with you under our fort in the land of Livingroom.

My wish is that when I look into your eyes next time I won’t flip because I’m close enough to see the light in them shining back at me, or because I want our pinky fingers to embrace or because the last time we were this close we shared our first kiss…….

On the cheek.

My wish is for our lips to meet the next time and I want the butterflies usually located in my stomach to stop fluttering in my head and chest when I know you're near because your presence makes me somewhat lightheaded and takes my breath away.

Now that you know exactly how I feel, only one thing remains. You still haven’t answered my question yet.

Do you like me?

Yes [  ] No [  ] Maybe [  ]

Check one please.

A Good Conversation

Earlier today i wondered out of the blue "what did hitler look like in his baby pictures"

no baby is evil.

What happens along the way to make them that way?

Someone who will probably delete me from facebook when they wake up tomorrow posted the status "Don't let the gay people take over this country"

and i went off on him, no caps lock or anything, but seriously. Out of all of the cruelty and ugliness in our world, in our lives, why hate love?

^end of my rant

but yes, i like the idea of you having a blog

I will be sure to read it

People that say things like that are the people I was talking about that just don't get it. Gay people aren't going to take over the world. I've always thought that the government should step out of the picture and let homosexual people do what they want. It's not an issue for government. Marriage is under the jurisdiction of the church and should remain that way. The Bible says that homosexuality is wrong, but if a church decides to accept it, that's between them and God, if someone comes out of the closet, that's between them and God, if gay people want to get married, that's between them and God. It's not our right to judge because we have not the capability to do so justly.

Whether you believe it's wrong or not, it's not your place to judge or place condemnation.

Your job is still to love everyone

period

end of story

THANK YOU

I nodded after every sentence you just wrote

I've been reading a lot lately. I finished reading the Kiterunner a few days ago and now I'm reading a book called A Thousand Splendid Suns, and in the latter a girl is forced to marry a man who is 40 when she is 15, and there is no quarrel about the sanctity of that marriage. Like, I honestly don't get it

I know I'm not the best Christian, but I do try my best to love everyone, and I'm pretty successful. But, when others who are more involved in their faith choose to condemn instead of love I just get so confused

it's like when i used to run cross country. I sucked. BUT I never walked. Ever And when the girls who were awesome would sprint in front of me and then walk until I caught up with them, I was furious.

How can you claim to be a runner--but not run the whole race? How can anyone claim to be religious, but not love?

Thank you for agreeing. The Bible says "through loving kindness have I drawn thee" People will only accept something if they feel accepted and if you believe in what the Bible says about homosexuality and you believe that it's a sin then you can't thrust the Bible in people's faces screaming at them to repent. It's just going to turn them off. If you think they need to change, fire and brimstone is not the way to go. You have to love people. Just like anyone you feel is sinning , whether they're a kleptomaniac or a compulsive liar, you have to love them and let them decide for themselves. The only conviction people need is what's in the Bible and they have to choose to or not to believe it for themselves.

The rest is between them and God. Personally I side with the Bible on every matter, homosexuality included. I think if you pick and choose which parts of the Bible to believe and not believe you're opening it up to personal interpretation and that's never good, because if you can choose one part to ignore, then why can't someone else choose another part that they want to ignore? There are too many questions that arise out of personal interpretation and picking and choosing

Do you get what I'm saying?

yeah...I understand that. But all I know is that my God is an awesome God, and I can't imagine Him being cruel enough to deny love. But, to each his own.

I could argue and present another perspective to look at it, but I won't

Thank you. :)

I do appreciate that,

I don't want to overstep my boundaries and I'd like to preserve the integrity of our conversation. I can tell you feel strongly about it and I'm not going to challenge you on it. Just read it for yourself and come up with your own conclusions.

I will, I am glad that you care enough about our friendship to let our conversation not become a debate. And with the cloak of the internet, the tone of what we say might be different from our intent. 80% of communication is body language, after all

Yeah, I understand that fact very well which is why I choose what I say online very carefully. Not that I throw away caution when speaking face to face. But I know enough not to start a debate over the Bible. It says what it says, you choose to believe it or not. For me, I can't ignore any of it. I feel like it takes the significance out of the entire thing. It's like taking something out of context, if it's not whole you're missing something ya know.

I get that. You're very much like my mother :) She's very devoted to God and church. Sometimes I wish I was as strong in my faith that I actually wanted to go to church and be involved and read my Bible every day. But, she probably wasn't as devoted when she was my age. And I know that 'if it's right to be in church; it's wrong to be out', but idk, I'm content to just know that I should love everyone.

 I always feel bad because I go to church in bursts. Like, I'll get into it and go for like 5 weeks straight. But when my Christian mother insults me or the pastor says something I don't agree with or I get nasty looks for when I've returned after a long period of time, I don't like it anymore and I stop. 

I just really don't like when she swears at me and never apologizes. I don't like being a disappointment no matter how hard I try.

There was definitely a time when I didn't want anything to do with church, but my dad is a pastor and I can't help but be there lol. I have to be there. I'd always kinda just accepted it because it was an inevitable part of my life. It wasn't until recently that I really have pursued it for myself. I know this works not because I've seen it but because I've tried it and I've never gotten satisfaction like I have out of striving for perfection through love and sharing that with others. I know that church people can be some of the most judgmental people on the planet too. But that's why we have to love. If we get angry and stop just because we meet adversity then we've stopped being a witness to those doing the persecuting and insulting. Jesus never did anything wrong and they killed him for it. The Bible promises us that we'll meet adversity if we choose to live for him. If we choose to strive. It's ok that you ramble lol. It helps sometimes. But like I said, we're promised trouble in the bible. Jesus suffered and we too must suffer but don't you see the pattern? When you try, you meet adversity. People give you dirty looks, people cut you down when you're trying. It's because you're trying that they're doing that and you're giving satan exactly what he wants when you quit trying. He's using their faults and shortcomings to get to you and beat you down until you don't want to go. You've got to go for yourself though. You go to church because you want to be better, because you want to be a good Christian. No one else should deter you from that. You have to make up your mind that you're going to do it because you know that it's right. If you saw a group of people beating me and you came to get them to stop, would you quit because they started beating you too or would you fight for what you knew to be right? It's the same thing here. If you know that you should go to church and you feel compelled enough to go, go. Let no one hinder you. They'll do what they do, pray for them that they'll settle things out for themselves and you keep pressing on. Don't let their shortcomings become your downfall. You can't quit when it gets hard. When it gets hard, that's when you know it's working.

So, you're going into Art instead of Pastoring...? That was really uplifting and motivational, like an actual sermon. And I enjoyed reading it! The only other time I ever liked sermons was when I watched Joel Osteen on early sunday mornings. All extremely valid points, things--I admit--I hadn't considered or recognized before. But it is exactly as you said, I've got to go for myself. Sometimes I go to make my mom happy. Sometimes I go for community service hours (when I attend I help out in the visual media department, last time I synched the broadcast and managed the powerpoints) Sometimes I guilt myself into going. But I want to want to go. Just wake up one morning and be excited to get there not for anything but the pleasure of being there and getting to know God and his Word a little bit better.

lol I'm a Pastor's Kid, being raised in the church goes a long way. My parents have given me a really good foundation to go off of and God's gifted me in certain ways just as he's gifted them. My art is part of my gifting and I'm going to school to get the training I need to use it to it's fullest potential. Writing and speaking are also a part of my gifting and I have to learn to use them as well. As Christians, we should all learn to use our voices to uplift and inspire, I just have a head start because of my upbringing and God given talent with words. Whether I become a pastor that's also an artist is a mystery. I'm not going to ponder it, I'm just going to go wherever God leads me to go. But I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. I like being able to help. I'm glad you see what I'm saying. You're good to talk to. You actually listen lol. Most people tend to ignore my advice I think. If you start going for yourself you'll get to the point where you're excited to go. I know I wasn't for a long time, but now it excites me so much to enter into the house of God and praise him with people that I know are there to do the same. The bigger the crowd the more excited I am. I love going and just being able to chase after God knowing that I'm not running alone. I love my alone time with God at home too. I try to read everyday. Sometimes I forget, but that's ok. You try harder and harder not to forget again, that's all. We stumble, we fall, we forget, we're human. The really exciting part about developing a relationship with God is the progressive realization of how much he really loves you. Knowing that I serve a God who has protected me when I knowingly endangered myself, who protected me when I had no clue I was in danger, who gave me the grace to do more than I could have imagined myself doing, who loved me past my pain and past the times when I rejected him, that I have a savior who died for me, who not only died for me but still cries for me when I fall, who sits at the right hand of God and prays for me, intercedes for me, who stands in the gap for me when I don't have the words to express myself, who would die for me all over again throughout the rest of eternity because he needs me. I'm a part of him and so are you. Without us he feels like he's missing a part of himself! To know that someone loves you so much that they do nothing but put as many blessings in your path as they can to help you realize that they exist knowing that you probably won't recognize most of them, it's like getting flowers every day and ceasing to have the ability to smell them because we forget they're there. It's awesome.

I really like what you just said; I really do.

:) I've honestly never heard anyone speak as beautifully about His love as you just did. It's just hard. I know I'm full of excuses, but I don't want to go to church/read the Bible just because it would make Him sad if I didn't. Or do it for the glory I know that I would enjoy just because I'm an involved Christian. I want to show that I love Him, just because I do, with no tangible or intangible reward. And, I have a feeling that if I do that, I'll receive so much peace and love and happiness that I wouldn't have experienced otherwise. You know how all romantic movies have that "Love at first sight" motif? I want that with God, I want to just wake up and know, you know? What you wrote reminds me of how when I took Challenge Education last year we had to keep journals and I had written how I could feel God's presence in my life, and I remember being happy. But obviously, that burst came and went. I want it back. There's a church near ISU, right? I think I might go.

I'm pretty sure there are several churches around campus that you could go to. and I know what you mean when you say you want to do it just because you love him. When you realize how much he loves you, you want to spend more time with him, learning his character and what he wants, the more time you spend with him, the more you become like him. It's like adults always warn you, the people you hang around influence you in ways you don't realize and the character of the friends you choose becomes your character. It's the same thing with God. The more time you spend with him, the more you become like him. His character can't help but rub off on you. I know for myself that I've changed. I've changed sooo much, even just in the last year! In the last 6 months! I'm a completely different person. The more I realize how much God loves me, the greater my capacity to love is. The more time I spend with God, the more time I spend reading, praying, meditating on his word and things that he would want, thinking about what God would think about the less room there is for me to think about anything that would cause me to be anything but joyful. I can't help but have peace because I know more and more each day that God's got it, that he'll never give me more than I can bare and that nothing happens without his sayso. Sometimes it's hard to rationalize because we look at all the bad in the world, but much of the bad in the world is caused due to free will. We choose to wage war, we choose to perpetuate a dog eat dog society, we choose to stay stressed, we choose to smoke, we choose to drink, we choose do all these things that are detrimental to our minds, bodies and souls without realizing the consequences. Then we have the nerve to blame God for bad things that happen to us when most of it is our fault. Stress alone can cause so many problems that it can kill you yet people blame God when people die of heart attack or stroke. We blame God when our kidneys, lungs or liver failed because we abused our bodies. Granted some things we can't help, like cancer, but the Bible said that we'd suffer. We were doomed to do so since the fall of man. It's a small price to pay compared to the cost our sin demands. But God always gives us the grace to overcome it, he always provides a way of escape a way to have peace and joy and patience and all of God's characteristics despite of everything. Knowing all of that, you can't help but want to love him. You can't help but want to praise and worship him just because you want to give him something back. You feel like you could praise and worship for the rest of your life, for the rest of eternity for that matter, and it wouldn't be enough because you just want to bless God. That's what life is though. As Christians we choose to live our lives acquiring progressively more and more of his character, forsaking sin and spending as much time as possible blessing him back with praise and worship and witnessing to other people and blessing others with what God's already given us. How we live our life is worship. Everything we do, think, or say that gives honor and glory to God is worship and we do it to bless him back. Not for gain but because we just want to bless him back. We want to love him back. That's the point. That's the big picture. We love God and we love others because they're a part of him just as we are and the more love we show to others the more love we're showing to God himself. That's the entire point! The point of it all.

:) I'm glad that I stayed up so late tonight. I have gained so much from our chat, and for that I thank you. We should talk tomorrow, I am in need of advice and I feel like you wouldn't judge me and you would let me know what the right thing to do is. I would ask God, but we're not close enough yet that he would answer back to me in a way I would understand. I know that the more time I spend with him, the clearer that connection becomes, but as of now things are a little lost in translation. Anyway, it is 5:35 and I am fighting sleep so hard right now. I have to sleep. But, thanks again. It is always a pleasure and an honor to talk with you. I would say goodnight, but it's definitely morning right now. Sleep well, my friend. :)

Sleep well. I'm glad you stayed up too. I'd be happy to talk again tomorrow. I know how you feel about the closeness thing with God lol. I'm still working on that one myself. The pleasure is and always will be mine. You don't have to thank me. I'm doing my job as your friend and brother in Christ. Thank God for allowing us to have the opportunity to talk like we have. He set this up, he wanted us to have this conversation and we did. I look forward to our future conversations. Good morning :)

:) Good morning.

note: I think some part (mostly your part) of this conversation should end up on your blog.